September 12, 1999

Take it away Grizzly Adams of the Fort Saskatchewan Traders!

This edition of Power Rankings was masterfully assembled by Grizzly Adams and guest analyst Mark Holmes of Platinum Blonde fame. The criteria was based on the teams' overall season performance so far and the past ten games performance, but they were mostly based on Jeff Tetz's personal biases. The more he likes you, the higher you will be ranked, simple as that. Also, don't forget to rush out and buy your own personal copy of Platinum Blonde's newly released greatest hits package entitled "Seven Year Itch." Enjoy the album and the latest edition of the Power Rankings.

Missed a previous issue of the Power Rankings? Tant pis mon ami. That's French for click here.

TEAM	PVS	RECORD	NSHL.com SAYS
1. Infantry	8.	19-4-2	Rod Brind'Amour is attempting to break the single season record for goals and it's been full steam ahead for the first overall Infantry.
2. Muffs	6.	17-6-2	After an unusually slow start, the Muffs are back on track and looking good.  They could be facing their first ever finish out of first in their division because of the Infantry but there is a lot of hockey left to determine that.
3. Traders	1.	17-5-2	The top three teams are almost interchangeable at this point.  With Alyn McCauley injured, Mark Messier has re-established himself as the Traders heart and soul and the Traders are looking like contenders once again.
4. Spirit	9.	14-6-3	They are in a mini slide right now but they are still a major force to be reckoned with come playoff time.
5. Loudmouths	15.	15-7-2	The Louds were blinded at the start of the season from the glare off of their GM's shiny scalp and they struggled because of it. Now that Loudmonica has put a tuke on, the Louds are on fire.
6. Foomanchu	12.	14-8-3	The Foo, despite having Burton Cummings as their GM, are playing at their full potential currently and they should challenge the Spirit for the division crown.
7. Stompers	10.	14-7-2	Playing well of late but they are still playing well below their potential.  High expectations from management could force a deal soon.
8. Thistles	7.	14-7-3	GM Hanstead is confident that he can walk away with the division in the playoffs.  The Stompers would love to fry up a crow for Hanstead's consumption.
9. Thieves	23.	11-8-5	The uglier Hanstead brother has his club playing good hockey over the last ten games.  They could do some damage in their division come playoff time.
10. Eagles	13.	11-8-5	The fourth legitimate contender to walk away with the Semenko division is a mirror image of the #9 ranked Criminals.
11. Lizards	8.	12-11-1	Chelios is ranked very high but their team has come back to reality after a dream season last year.  GM Easton will be looking to make some deals in the near future to give his team a much needed boost.  Watch over the next 12 games to see how the Lizards respond to the loss of Chelios.
12. Stranglers	11.	10-9-4	They will find it hard to breath all season long as they attempt to hang onto the .500 mark. However, Rome wasn't built in a day and they are making strides in the right direction.
13. Booze Hounds	18.	10-11-4	GM Porter cites constipation caused from excessive rye intake as the major factor in their lack of speed this season.  "I don't think you'd play very hard either if it felt like you had to shit your pants every shift."  -Mike Porter, GM Boozers.  In a related story, it was announced that the Boozers rink has received corporate sponsorship and will be renamed the Pepto Bowl.
14. Psychosis	2.	9-9-4	After a great start, this average hockey club is playing average hockey. Jeff Heerema continues to be the sparkplug.  (Editor's note: Does that mean he's firing on all neurons?)
15. Blades	4.	10-11-3	In tough for a playoff spot with such a tough division.  The next 10 games are crucial for the Blades as they attempt to make up some ground on the teams above them.  NSHL governors are none to happy about their newly unveiled logo of two butter knives stuck upright in a hot stove burner either.
16. Ice Terrors	14.	9-11-5	Haven't scared anybody yet but as long as they hold onto a respectable record for the first 3/4 of the year, they should go on a "Terr" to end the season again.
17. SunDogs	22.	7-16-1	After a horrendous start, the real SunDogs are starting to show up.  They aren't world beaters but they will make the playoffs.
18. Fat Guys	17.	9-13-0	Hard to get a read on this team. They should be better than they are.  Perhaps Louie Anderson, the team fitness consultant, has something to with their poor showing.
19. Crunch	16.	7-15-3	Insiders say that their name may actually be scratched off of the Holy Grail if they continue to stumble. Others say that it is the curse of Bob Nystrom.  Any team from the Nystrom Divison that has won the Neely Cup has yet to return to respectability.
20. Scorpions	5.	7-13-5	The once feared creatures of the desert are now welcomed visitors as there is no sting left in their bite.  Just like the rock band with the same name, their best stuff is long behind them.
21. Highlanders	21.	4-17-3	Landing into opposing rinks high is the root of their problems.  Motivational consultant Keith Richards isn't helping their cause.
22. Blazers	20.	5-17-3	They were so eager to get the season started that they started blazing a trail to futility instead of prosperity. Somebody had better point them in the right direction. In a hurry.
23. Useless Twits	19.	5-18-1	What is wrong with the Twits? There is no way that they should be this bad.  Ownership is reportedly concerned about GM Dean's love for his private life and his neglect for what is "really" important,  internet hockey.
24. Buzzards	24.	3-16-4	They are on fire...for a Buzzard that is. They have been staying alive, barely, thanks to the odd scrap thrown their way from other teams. Recent deals should help them to reach 12 wins by the seasons end.