March 27, 2000

TEAM

PVS

RECORD

[NSHL.com] SAYS

1. Eagles

9.

5-2-0

These guys are no yolk. Dominating in all aspects of the game, this could be the year they soar to the top. Rumor has it they’re using child labor in the front office, though.

2. Traders

3.

6-3-0

Perennial favorites to win, their stock has never been higher. With almost six goals per game, their last episode could see them hoisting the cup again.

3. Ice Terrors

24.

7-2-0

Striking fear into the hearts of their opponents everywhere, stellar defense and all-around solid play could give the Schultz division a team to watch after the Traders.

4. SunDogs

22.

4-5-0

Aside from their defense, everything about this team screams "Burn, baby, burn!" Special teams are on fire and if they can keep this pace up, these puppies will be in the hunt come playoff time.

5. Clash

18.

4-5-0

A lot of goals scored, few goals allowed and an excellent power play have these guys rockin’ the Casbah every night. Hopefully they can start winning a few games to make the playoffs in a tough Semenko division.

6. Crunch

1.

4-4-2

Don’t let the record deceive you, this team packs a punch that the Malachi brothers would be proud of. No real threat of finishing out of a playoff race in this division.

7. Stranglers

17.

7-2-0

Good record, nice GF and decent GA, this team is lacking in the specialty-team area. If they continue to score at this pace, watch for them to squeeze the life out of their opponents.

8. Infantry

4.

6-2-0

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, this team is due. Excellent defense is the key to winning on the front lines.

9. Stompers

15.

5-2-2

An all-around solid team that could win their division this year. Treading heavily on their opponents so far this year, but a weak PP unit could be their undoing.

10. Thistles

7.

6-2-0

Right near the top of their division, this team’s excellent defense and aggressive style makes them a thorn in everyone’s sides. A few more even-strength goals will have them smelling like roses.

11. Muffs

11.

7-3-0

Most penalized team in the league, weak defense and shoddy specialty units. But who cares? These are the Muffs! Everything will get fixed soon enough and these guys could end up eating out some cup-cakes.

12. Lizards

10.

5-4-1

Probably the worst-managed team in the league, but the coach seems to be doing well with the geckos he has been given. A sucky PP unit, they could end up playing for fourth in the division without some call-ups.

13. Thieves

5.

5-3-0

Terrible even-strength and power-play offence, this team’s defense is Robin’ goal-scorers around the league. Top of the ‘Hood, but not for long if they don’t start scoring.

14. Loudmouths

2.

4-5-0

Decent power play and defense so far this year. Lack of offence has the coach screaming "Why aren’t we as good as last year!!??" The 'Mouths need to find their bite if they want to challenge for the elite level again.

15. Scorpions

12.

2-6-2

The venom is about as deadly as a paper cut. Goals allowed and Penalty-killing are worst in the league. Not all is lost: they should get a fantastic draft pick next year.

16. Useless Twits

13.

3-5-2

Their ranking in every category shows why they are only 0.400 so far. Luckily, there are two more-useless teams in this division and these guys should make the playoffs.

17. Foomanchu

8.

4-3-2

Scary facial hair isn’t going to be enough to win games in the Foo’s division. Poor offence so far this season could spell the end of their dynasty.

18. Blades

19.

4-5-1

This team has always been a mystery. Strong players, but no production on either end of the ice. Could finally make a run in the division this year due to some key slumps elsewhere. At least they’re not cutting anyone up on the ice: this team is the least-penalized in the league.

19. Blazers

16.

1-5-3

No goals, no glory. They’re being shot down wherever they go. They need help finding the back of the net if they want to get out of the basement. Perhaps they should hire a Pathfinder.

20. Spirit

6.

2-7-0

Yucky, yucky, poo poo. A major overhaul in the off-season has upset the chi in the locker-room. The team is considering fung-shuai for the arena seating. Could they miss the playoffs for the first time?

21. Psychosis

14.

2-6-1

Does this team have a phobia about winning? Barely two goals per game isn’t going to cut it in this league. They should get over their fixation with the basement soon, or it will be a long season.

22. Beagles

21.

3-5-1

With the beatings that these dogs have taken, somebody should get some jail time. Darwin’s next voyage should be to discover how to stop the red light behind them from going on so many times.

23. Buzzards

23.

2-6-0

A minus-15 in goals for/against so far this season and generally weak in every category. If they don’t learn how to fly out of the basement soon, they could be scavenging for golf tees very soon.

24. Icerays

20.

1-7-1

They have allowed 20 more goals than they have scored in only 9 games so far this season. If there is a positive, they aren’t the worst team in any category other than points. Their hopes of finishing out of the cellar are melting fast.